Numbers
Numbers are funny things.
I was just sitting here looking at the invoice that's kept by my car toll company.
The last entry with my license plate was marked just 10 minutes before my wreck.I was trying to go back through my head as to what I was thinking on my way home. Nothing really comes to mind at this point.
When we hit a pivotal point, such as a car wreck, I'm fairly certain that only the thing that you were doing right at that moment right before it occurred comes to you not what you were thinking 10 minutes before when you're going through the motions of your normal routine.
One of my friends recently had a wreck herself that was fairly bad from her description. She described her car flipping and skidding on it's roof and then being taken to the hospital. She mentioned something about seeing Mary and Jesus even though she's Buddhist. That cracked me up for no good reason other than you can't help but laugh and go what the fuck? She stated it changed her perception of life, that traumatic event.
I can't say that it's changed mine. It has hardened me in that expectation of people can't be trusted and that you ultimately have to look out for yourself. Even though my cynicism swells to a size that I find hard to contain I know that there's still that inkling of me that will ultimately help out those truly in need.
Honesty is a hard thing to come by. You expect it from those who are sworn to protect and serve. I was cynical before but now I'm beyond salvation of the idea of the honest and/or good public servant.
I wish, like my friend, I could believe in Karma. While I think there's something greater than ourselves out there I don't believe in cosmic justice. It's merely chance that happened to play in your favor. I think it makes it easier to accept doing good deeds will rarely, if ever, be rewarded. And in that I don't think it lessens the joy of those small things but makes them even that more precious. Because they'll exist and only in that moment and there will likely never be another thread tying back to it.
